Time flies

Well it has been a while since I wrote a blog post, getting on for six months. I can not believe where the time has gone.  It has been mainly a very good year

I will have to catch up with writing about The Big Church day out weekend, Sunday School teachers network and Torch Trust as well as some good family time over the summer as well as thinking about how my faith is continuing to grow and develop.
 
Change on many levels for me seems to have been a big theme this year and will continue into 2014 as well I think. Apart from my hair going to blonde then dark again lol.

Blonde Hazel

However will save all that for another day. What I had it on my heart to write about today is taking time to stop, reflect and get back to God. It is so easy to get carried away with our busy lives that we need to slow down and take stock of what we are doing and where we are. Also spending time with God in prayer and reading the word can so easily take a back seat particularly when things are chugging along nicely.  However God has a way of drawing us back into the fold. My boys were learning about the good shepherd in Sunday school this morning. William said on our way home that we are the sheep and when we get lost or go our own way Jesus gets us back where we are meant to be.

 We are doing an evening bible study on 1 John for the last 2 Sundays.  It has been interesting and challenging and I am learning a lot.  Last Sunday the Pastor who is leading tonight's session suggested I take a look at this weeks chapter.  I have read and thought about it several times this week and get more meaning from it every time.  It always amazes me how when you read the word and ask the Spirit for knowledge you learn so much.  This happened recently with a Sunday school lesson on first glance at the text it did not make sense but after praying about it I think I learned as much if not more then the children.  

I had a rough day on Thursday the circumstances of which I cant really go into.  Something I thought was an answer to prayer did not turn out the way I expected. I felt hurt by people I trusted even though that was not their intention. However this situation made me cry out to God in a way I have not done before and of course He is faithful. At work on Friday one of the Pastors was preaching on Psalm 30 "weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning".  I spent time reading this Psalm and it really helped me put things in perspective but also reminded me that God is in all things. 

At Church this morning the worship was all on the theme of getting closer to and trusting God. We sang Be Thou My Vision, Cornerstone and You Alone can Rescue. I could not stop the tears from flowing although I was not crying because I was sad any more.  I thank God for being there for me this week although of course He is always there and I pray I will continue to learn and grow in faith, trust and understanding.

Seize the moment

I am having a busy week this week as it's our Praise a Thon at work.  It's a bit tiring as I am working until 1am and then getting up to get the kids ready for school in the mornings but I am loving it and it's only for a couple of weeks.  

Planning for this week had got me thinking about life.  Why to we rush around like headless chickens trying to have it all.  In Luke Jesus says "Look at the Ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God. And you count far more."  I love this scripture but I also feel that as we "count for more" we also have responsibility that comes with that.  In the book of James it talks a lot about faith and deeds and how the two are not mutually exclusive.  During Praise a Thon there is of course a lot of focus on giving  as it costs a lot of money to run a multi station TV Network.  However I think deeds are like giving and have to be handled with the same spirit at their core.  

If you give grudgingly and because you feel you have to then what's the point of that.  If you are a "cheerful giver" then even the act of giving will bless you and I believe that counts for our energy, our efforts and our time as well.  

When we do the work the Lord has put in our path with everything we have it will bless us.  I love that Stephen Curtis Chapman song "Do Everything" whether you are "hooking up mergers" or "cooking up burgers" or "sweeping up lost cheerios that got away"  if you do it with a heart for God then God sees it all the same.  We are all different and all have different gifts and talents and I think we should celebrate that not everyone is made to be a teacher, a preacher or a high flying executive just as not everyone can be a parent or care for the elderly.  All our talents are unique and best suited to the plan God has for our life and every part is needed and valuable.  In a large machine if one part did not work properly even if that part was tiny the whole would not function properly that is the same with our bodies, our Churches and our wider community.  

So where am I going on this ramble.  Well I think you have to seize the moment as you never know what is round the corner.  Work hard at what is put in front of you to do but also play hard too.  I had the pleasure of going to the park with my son's class yesterday and pushing the kids on the roundabout and being buried by them in the sand really made their day and that is just as valuable as negotiating a million dollar contract if your heart is in the right place. 

An Awesome Experience

On the 18th April I had an awesome experience.  As I have blogged about before I work for TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network) Europe.  At the moment we are based in my home town but TBN have bought premises in London and are refitting them to be studios so that many different kinds of programme can be filmed here in the UK for the first time on this network.  

As part of the celebrations for TBN's 40th Anniversary there was to be a special Praise the Lord programme recorded at the studio on the 18th April.  So although the studios are far from finished the main studio was made ready for this recording.  

The day did not go to a brilliant start for me.  After dropping my boys off at school I headed down to the office where we were meeting to get a minibus to London.  However on my way I fell over and landed flat on my front.  It was not very dignified but I got quickly up and although a bit shaken got to the office on time.  

We arrived in London at about lunchtime and after some fire safety training had a couple of hours spare to get something to eat and help get everything ready for the audience to arrive.  
 
It was great to meet many of our partners who we speak to but had not met in person.  Putting faces to the voices on the other end of the telephone was exciting for everyone.  They were all just as happy as we were to be there for this historic first recording even though it was not the formal opening of the building and the facilities were a bit rough around the edges.

We all took our seats at 7pm ready for the recording to start.  The Martins, a brother and 2 sisters, opened with a song.  I have seen them on the television many times while I have been at work but hearing them live was just so much better.  The whole audience was on their feet.  

Paul Crouch and his son and daughter lead the evening and there were guest Pastors from the London area.  The messages from these Pastors were very powerful and I felt as I believe everyone else did in that room that we were all part of the start of wonderful things to come.  

It was after midnight by the time we got home but it was an awesome experience.  I feel so honoured and blessed to have been a part of it and I can't wait to see the programme when it's broadcast.  

Words are Powerful

There is that saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me".  I don't agree I think words are powerful they can leave wounds that go very deep.  They may not be visible but they are still there.  Words are also very positive and can really lift your spirits.  

The reason I decided to write about this is that I was feeling a bit low this morning.  It's the school holidays but my kids have not been very well.  Had planned a nice day out yesterday but the kids were not up for it and then I had my in laws visit so things were not going as I had hoped.  Then after a bad nights sleep I had work today. 

On the way I had to go to the opticians to get my glasses fixed.  The lady in the shop said that she really liked how I had my hair, I am growing it at the moment.  That simple compliment really lifted my spirits.  We also had a bit of a joke about me having more then one screw loose this morning and by the time I got to work I was in a really good mood.  All tiredness was forgotten and we had a fantastic day with lots of laughs along the way.  

Such a simple thing as a compliment or a critical word really does affect our whole day.  It's really amazing.  It is also a great responsibility as we often don't realise the affect our words have on other people.  It makes me think of that saying "if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all".  I think the world would be a better place if we were able to stick to that rule.  

So I thought I would have a look tonight about what the bible has to say on the subject, after all it is the Word of God.  

I am sure there is more but here are a couple of verses that I found.  
In Ephesians 2:29 "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."

Also in Proverbs 16:23-24  "The heart of the wise makes his speech judicious and adds persuasiveness to his lips. Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body."

However how do we react when people do say horrible things.  Yes they do hurt and sometimes hurt deeply but we all have to guard against this.  No one is perfect.  I know several times when I have opened my mouth before I have engaged my brain and said something I have regretted.   So in conclusion I share with you from Ecclesiastes 7:20-22 

"Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins. Do not take to heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you. Your heart knows that many times you yourself have cursed others."
  




 

Easter thoughts

Happy Easter everyone.  There is finally a bit of spring in the air today in fact as I am typing this my husband is actually in the garden for the first time this year.  

I just wanted to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard with a few thoughts I had about Easter.  

On Friday we had a Communion Service at Church.  It was a lot more sombre then usual mainly because there were only one or two children there as opposed to the 50 or so who are usually in Church on a Sunday. 

We sang How Deep the Fathers Love for Us.  I was really moved by this song.  The bit that struck me was the line "Why should I gain from his reward.  I can not give an answer"  It seems amazing to me that someone would willingly go through everything that Jesus went through not just for me but for the whole of mankind.  But then I think of my children after all this song is about our Fathers love.  My boys are such a blessing I love helping them to learn and grow. 

At school this week my oldest son had an Easter Garden competition.  He decided to make his out of lego!!! I was so proud of him he did it all by himself.  

So how does this link with the song. Well as a parent it is my pleasure and joy to help my children grow into well rounded and good people.  It's not an easy job but I love it.  The love that our heavenly Father has for us is so amazing so vast that he would send his son to die for us that we could have a relationship with him through the Holy Spirit.  It is the ultimate parental sacrifice.  However it is also impossible for us to truly comprehend that level of absolute love.  

No matter who we are not matter what we have done in our past our heavenly Father loves us with such a passion.  When we allow him into our lives and into our hearts he can help and guide us to be the people he wants us the be. 

So to me Easter is the ultimate expression of our heavenly Fathers love for us.  Why do we gain from His reward.  The answer is unconditional love although it's a love that we can only imagine and wonder at.  

The flip side

Below is the response to one of my posts that my husband wrote in his own blog.   

My only comment is that I don't believe I have unduly influenced the boys.  Yes they do go to a Church of England school but I chose that school for them as it was the best school within walking distance of our house and I did not have a strong faith view when I chose that school.  

Yes I am pleased the boys like to come to Sunday School and our oldest son goes to a youth club at Church too.  However they do not have to go and they know they can stay home with daddy if they want to and I sometimes encourage this as I like to go to Church without having to worry about where the boys are while I am having fellowship with my friends sometimes.  

They know mummy and daddy both have different views and I would never tell them that one view was right or wrong they are people in their own right and have the right to make their own decisions. 

Anyway here is Kevin's blog post.  

In response to my wife’s blog post (see A place of mutual respect) this one of mine is from my point of view, here I will keep it short, it is a blog entry after all. Shameless plug time, I will expand on this aspect of our relationship in my book ‘A Path Laid Bare’, to be published November 2013, The Wolfenhowle Press.

When we met over 10 years ago, I did make Hazel aware of my spiritual side, although I do admit I was vague, my path is vague even to me as I don’t follow any particular established pagan traditions so there have never been any convenient label I can attach to my journey. What was something I could firmly explain is the life long connection with my goddess Selket, even so that was perhaps vague too. I left it open ended and happy to answer any questions should she have them.

Hazel at this time was undecided if she had or wanted a spiritual path, her sister of course I knew was a committed Christian so in a way there was some background, or familiarity with that particular path more than any other. I was happy to leave it at that, I’ve never been one to push my particular beliefs at anyone and unless you already know me, most people who encounter me will be blissfully unaware as I have never been fond of obvious trappings as I don’t have any to dangle in front of people. Not to say I’ve ever been trying to hide my path, on the contrary I am willing to discuss openly any aspect of my path for those that want to know, as mine tends towards all being in the mind through meditation, vitalisation and project, the witness my practices and the potential of Hazel to form any opinion about them were severely limited.

Over the following years we lived quite happily in Dover and with the birth of our children increasing interaction with the local community with things such as nursery school, play groups and school led Hazel to encounter many activities at a local community centre that is housed in a Christian centre. Slowly I could see the increasing interest and flicker of awaking spiritual needs. At first, and I will be quite honest here, I thought this could become a problem not knowing how others would react more than anything. We’ve been together long enough and both are well aware of each other to know if we are bad people or not, so I hoped that this would work out.

I needn’t have been concerned as it turned out as Hazel’s involvement and growth at that Church continued the lack of my appearance at services perhaps became apparent, and so my reasons had to really be explained. I was most surprised at the acceptance, yes there were a few curious glances especially at Hazel baptism that I attended, and other subsequent times I’ve been around others from the church I’ve felt their interest to understand what I do, although none have broached the subject for whatever reason. 

In any case, the happiness that I saw Hazel gain from these experiences and the conversations comparing and contrasting each other’s beliefs has led to a deepening in our relationship, for there is much in common between a pagan and Christian path that many fail to notice and instead like to focus on the differences, usually because they want to use it as a weapon. It has and will continue to be a difference between us, but it will continue to unite us, for the occasions when Hazel comes home from church to excitedly explain that such and such experience she had, and I would agree and say yes, us pagans call that experience by another word and it is most wondrous isn’t it? That is what should be that binds all the faiths together and not the differences.

Our children go to a Church of England school, and Hazel takes them to Sunday school, that may suggest an undue influence but our boys have their own choices to make, if they see what Christianity has and at the opportunities that I have with them to explain a little of mine, they can make their choice when they feel they can. Sound understanding is vital no matter which path they finally choose as it will strength their own and provide an understanding of the others point of view.

A very special lady

It's Mothers Day here in the UK today and I just had to write about the greatest inspiration in my life, my mum. 

I have to say it's not been an easy job for her being my mum.  As a teenager in particular I was not very easy.  I was stroppy and irritable and did not like being told what to do even if it was for my own good.  However I can honestly say that my mum has always had my best interests at heart. 

I would be lying if I said at no point did I resent my mum for me having sight problems as our condition is hereditary.  To be honest though I hated the world because to my mind it hated me.  I was a self obsessed teenager as they all are to some extent.  My mum being the closest to me was the focus of that and I am sorry for the worry and hurt I caused her.  However my mum was always there for me no matter how much of a cow I was.  Now that I am a mum I am finally beginning to understand how difficult it is being a parent.  Kids don't come with an instruction manual and all you can do is do your best. 

However I have lots of wonderful memories of our time as a family.  We used to do lots together at the weekends.  I loved out trips to the roller rink and swimming or just playing board games together.  I hope that I can do the same for my children spending real quality time with them is so important.  I used to long for the school holidays and wished they would never end as I would much rather be with my family then at school. 

Because my mum also had cataracts as a baby that has helped her to be able to help me.  I feel I am the person I am today because of her encouragement and her determination that I should be as independent as possible and for that mum there are no the words to express my gratitude.  Her story of travelling on her own to Italy to surprise my dad when they were newly weds is a great inspiration.  It shows me that if I am determined enough I can do whatever I set my mind to. 

We are so close in so many ways and it is brilliant that I have a mum who I am also proud to call my friend.  However I think the only down side of this is that we on occasion hurt each others feelings without realising it.  For this mum I am truly sorry.  I feel that when I let you down it hurts more because I love you so much and I don't want to hurt you.  

Now I am an adult and have, well hopefully, grown up a bit I love spending time with my mum.  We do have a good laugh when we are together and we have certainly had our share of fun adventures.  One that springs to mind is when I won a pair of cinema tickets in a competition.  We had a bit of a trek to get to the Cinema as it was in London and it was a bit of a panic wondering whether we would catch out train home as at first we got on the wrong underground platform then had a dash through a shopping centre that was about to close to get to the station but we made it and had lots of laughs on the way.  

I am so grateful that God gave me such a special, funny, wonderful and caring mum.  I really pray that I can follow her example and be a good mum to my boys.  I know I will not always get it right but I have an exceptional example to follow. 

A place of mutual respect.

My husband is not a Christian and in fact he follows what appears to be a very different path.  As I did not have any particular strong views on faith it's not something we really talked about much before we got married.  I knew a little about his faith but not much really and he has until recently been fairly private about it and that was OK with me.  

When we were first married there was a lot going on in our lives with our new house, work and then with the birth of our children.  Particularly with Andrew and all his eye surgery there was little space to think about anything else in our lives.  

Around the time that William started school things had settled down into a good routine.  Kevin started to be more active in his own faith path.  When I decided to write about this I asked him what the best way to describe his faith was.   He said it's hard to explain it simply.  I said that when I try to explain to people I tell them that he believes an Egyptian Goddess guides him and that he also believes in a lot of Pagan / Celtic stuff too. He said that is probably the easiest way to explain although it's kind of complicated.  Kev now goes to several Pagan / Wiccan gatherings a year and is active in several Pagan groups online. 

To be honest as a new Christian I felt a bit overwhelmed by his revived interest in this aspect of his life.  I was really not sure how to handle it.  I was really worried that it might be something I could not get past and that my newly found faith may not be reconciled with his.  I have prayed a lot about my feelings and I have talked to people at my Church about it who have been very supportive.   

I really believe that we are now closer in understanding each other then ever before.  I admit there are still some aspects of his spiritual life I feel uncomfortable with because of my own faith but I think this is also partially because I don't fully understand it. 

I was really pleased that Kevin came to my Baptism and although I know he did not listen to the sermon I wish he had.  The Pastor that day said something that has stuck with me these past 2 years.  I can't remember it word for word but the Pastor said that God has done wonderful things in his life and even if he is wrong about God (although he is certain he isn't) then at the end of the day he has lived a spirit filled and blessed life and that can't be a bad thing.  

Kev's path might not be for me and visa versa.  There are aspects that are very different.  However we both feel that we are growing in spirituality and Kevin is always asking questions about my experiences and about what's going on at Church / House Group.  I hope he has seen a change for the better in me.  I am happy that we can talk about out own experiences and we have had many a discussion about how happy I am in my Church being as it is so Spirit led and we are encouraged to have our own personal relationship with the Holy Spirit. 

I do feel that something drew us together and as I have said in previous blogs I don't believe there is such a thing as coincidence everything is part of God's plan for us.  I do feel that although our spiritual lives appear on the surface very different I do believe there are aspects at the core that are very similar.  I don't believe it is right for me to judge Kev's path or indeed anyone's we all have to make our own decisions in life.  A loving relationship is based on mutual respect of each other and I think we have arrived at a place where we do respect each others paths we accept the differences and value the similarities. 

Working for our good.

I love listening to the Newsboys and in one of their songs they use a verse from Romans they sing "you make all things work together for my good" When we really trust that God has things under control then it's all good and amazing things happen. 

I had a brilliant day a few weeks ago at a Sunday School workers training day.  It was for people from various Churches in my area.  It was great to meet people from different denominations who although their Churches were very different in style all had one aim in common and that of course is in having good quality Sunday School for the children who come to their Church that will really engage the children in learning but also having fun too.  We had a great day and all make fools of ourselves trying out some of the games and worship dances but I came away from the day really inspired. 

Another example of God working, again in Sunday school, was when I had the lesson all planned out but just did not feel like I had the strength to deliver it.  I really did not feel inspired.  I talked to my friends before Church and they said they would pray for me and one of them said that if I trusted God it would be fine.  It really was one of the best weeks I have had in Sunday school I just put the session firmly in God's hands and all the children were really well behaved and really engaged with the lesson I was amazed. 

I am involved in a Torch Fellowship group whose aim is to support Blind and Partially Sighted in their Christian journey in my area.  We meet every other month and have been doing so for almost a year now.  We are having our first anniversary at the beginning of March.  The group is slowly growing and although we are of different ages and in different stages in our sight loss and our faith journeys we have a common aim to have good Christian fellowship with each other and our meeting are very enjoyable.  

I am hoping to work more closely with Torch Trust over the coming months. I went to a meeting at Torch Trusts headquarters yesterday and I really feel that it was the first step.  There are still things to sort out and I need time to pray into the opportunities they have offered me but I am really excited about the challenge.  So watch this space for more developments on this soon. 


I feel it is an amazing privilege to be able to work with like minded people who really have a passion for what they are doing.  I am not sure if this is because these are Christian based organisations or not but I have tried working in non Christian environments and I have on occasion met a lot of conflict.  

I just feel that when we do totally let go and trust God to work out His plan in a situation it can only turn out good.  When we try to do things our own way and have our own agenda then conflict arises even when our aim seems clear.  

Maybe I am over simplifying the situation I do not know but I do trust God's word "For I know the plans I have for you" says the Lord "They are plans for good and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope" (Jeremial 29:11 NLT)
 

Working Life of a VI

I love my job and I have been lucky enough to find work whenever I have wanted it.  When I left University I found a job a short walk from my house.  When I was made redundant I was only out of work for 3 days before starting a new job.  When the opportunity to start my current job came along it was great timing and it works well around my family life.  

However my experience is the exception.  On the RNIB (Royal National Institute for the Blind) web site it states that in the UK two thirds of people of working age who are registered blind or partially sighted are unemployed.  In comparison over 2/3 of Deaf people are in employment.  The overall national average being approximately 5% of people being unemployed. 

So I ask myself why is this?  Are we more stupid then the average person?  Do we like being unemployed?  Or is it that the right jobs are a lot harder to come by?  

With modern technology it is possible, with the right training, for blind and partially sighted people to do many jobs.  Of course there are restrictions particularly with the fact that we can't drive that do have an affect on the kind of work we can do but then not all sighted people drive.  

I know this may be controversial but I do think that just as in every other sector of society there are some VI people who are more then happy to be on benefits and do pretty well out of the "system" I am not saying this is everyone by any means but there are a percentage who probably could work but choose not to.  

I think there is an uncertainty in employers as to whether a VI person will be able to do a job as well as a fully sighted person.  I remember the senior Solicitor at the first firm I worked in was I think a bit unsure about me being employed and indeed when my Guide Dog owning sister began work in the same firm a couple of years later.  However I feel that although there are some things that we are by necessity slower at doing there are other areas in which we can excel.  

I still say that the most useful skill I learned at Secondary School was touch typing and I have certainly made a lot of use of it.  However personally I think the biggest thing that has helped me in my working life is the determination to prove to myself that I can do my job well.  It is more then just wanting to prove to my employer that I was the right choice for the job, although that is certainly part of it, it's a need to know deep inside that I have worked my hardest to do what is asked of me.  In this respect I think I am much harder on myself then any employer might me.  I talked to my sister about this recently and she felt the same that we are far more critical of our own abilities then our employers ever have been.    I may not be the fastest in all areas of my work but God gave me a brain and I try to use it as best I can.  

I would therefore say to anyone who was interviewing a blind or partially sighted person for a job to seriously consider them.  There are grants that help with equipment to access the computer if it is necessary and you may be missing out on a dedicated worker.  

My current part time job will be finishing at some point this year as the office is moving away from the area where I live.  I do not know what will happen then will I be able to find another suitable job, do more voluntary work or maybe take a break for a while I really do not know.   I do trust though that God has a plan for me and he is no where near finished with me yet.  






 

Nothing wasted

I have been thinking about our childhood memories recently after a discussion in a Facebook group about our teens and whether we remember them fondly or not. 

I was a very angry mixed up kind of teenager and although there are a few bright moments my memories from that time are pretty dark.  I remember at age 11 spending all my lunchtimes talking to the headmaster on the playing field as I had no one else to talk to.  I remember on my last day of middle school having everyone laugh at me because I had to use cream for my acne and it make my skin dry and flaky the kids spent the whole day keep asking me if I had Weetabix cereal stuck to my face. 

I remember the girls at hight school all telling everyone not to talk to me saying that I was a lesbian and I remember I felt so lonely at times and I used to have really bad nightmares.  I don't remember that I asked my mum whether she thought I really was a lesbian though and don't really remember any of the medical stuff like hospital treatment and having braces on my teeth. 

I remember my first day in my first proper job.  I was supposed to have an interview that afternoon but they called me and asked if I would go in that morning and try out the job as one of the ladies was on a course that day.  I am not sure what I did that day apart from a lot of photocopying but I do remember being too nervous to ask where the toilet was. 

The thing I have learned about memories though is that we can get stuck in them.  We can not trust anyone because of things that have happened in the past and we can try and be someone we think we should be rather then who we really are.  I like the film Vanilla Sky and there is a saying in there about not being able to appreciate the sweet unless we have experienced the sour.  I think that is true.

Now I am in my 30's I love my life so much.  I love my husband, my children, my family and the friends I never had as a teenager.  I love being an active member of my Church and although teaching Sunday School is not something I find easy I think I learn as much from it as the children (hopefully) do.  More importantly I feel I appreciate the people in my life and cherish them even more because they are so valuable to me and I can use the memories of the bad times to really show the difference between my life now and then. 

I love my job, particularly being able to pray with people who are going through tough times and although I can't directly relate to a lot of their problems I hope I have learned to be a good listener and as for the prayers well I have God to rely on for help with that. 

So what I am trying to say is that I feel that no experience we have is wasted.  Part of my growing in faith has been to let go of the bad experiences in my past.  They are not forgotten but they are no longer affecting my life in a negative way.  God can use those experiences to teach me and to make me a better person.

If I could go back in time what would I say to my 13 year old self?  I asked myself this question the other day and it was tough.  At first I thought I would tell her not to worry and that things would be better in the future.  I thought I would tell her that she will come to know God and how that will impact on her life in ways she never could have dreamed of.  I thought about telling her that she will be a wife and mother some day.  The trouble is that I don't think I would have believed myself.  I certainly did not believe my own mother when she said things would get better.  So I had to conclude that I could not and should not change anything in my past as it's all part of the person I am today.  All the good bits and all the bad bits in equal measure with no experience wasted.  





 

Be bold, be strong

I had something all worked out to write about today but am going to save it for another day.  That's because today I'm going to write about my experience at our ladies prayer breakfast this morning.  

I am not a morning person it's not easy getting up early on a Saturday morning when there is no school run to do but I headed off just after half past 7 for the walk up the hill to Church.  The sun was shining it was a lovely winter morning.  I just love it when the sun shines it just makes my spirit soar.  

The bacon rolls were as delicious as ever after a coffee, a juice and fellowship with the other ladies I was really relaxed.  

Over the last couple of weeks I have been thinking a lot about prayer as I have been talking to my after school club children about the different ways we pray and last weekend I attended a Sunday school workers training day at which we looked at different and creative ways to engage children in prayer.  At our quarterly prayer event last weekend we focused on praying for our community and in particular areas of our town that are the most in need and areas that  do not have housegroups.   

We talked more about this today and different people shared experiences of where they have prayed for other people and seen positive outcomes.  

During our time of prayer I had a word from God for the group.  I have not had such a clear word come like this and I was a little bit nervous about speaking it out loud in front of everyone.  But the word was that we should be open to accept God's help when we speak to people.  That we should accept his advice like when he said to Joshua to be strong and courageous because God is with us and if we call on Him he will help guide us.  We should be bold and not afraid to step out in faith.  

I feel this is a great challenge to me to have faith to trust in this way.  To be open to guidance in our conversations and relationships with people.  It reminded me of just before Christmas when I thought it would be nice to send my mum a bunch of flowers as a Christmas present.  It was about a week until Christmas but I felt it in my heart that if I was going to send flowers it had to be today.  So I looked online and was able to get same day delivery so I did it.  I did not know it but it was just what my mum needed that day to receive those flowers another day would still have been great but would not have been the same.  

It was amazing to see God's hand in that situation and I look forward to more experiences like this.  
 

At the Big Church Day Out 2012

I had always fancied going to a music festival but it was one of those things that I thought I would never have the chance to do. However last May I got my chance and my sister and I went to the Big Church Day Out in Susses.

Neither of us drive of course because of our sight so we travelled to Sussex by train on the Friday afternoon. Unfortunately there was a delay and we missed the last bus to the campsite but we were not the only ones so we piled into taxis and away we went.

I'm not a big fan of camping so we had hired a tent rather then struggle to carry one on the train and I was worried about how we would manage to put it up. When we arrived we checked in and got our wristbands for the weekend. I was so relieved all the hired tents were in the best spot on the campsite right next to the toilets and more importantly the bacon sandwich van!!! The air beds were inflated ready for us it really took the stress out of camping having it all set up for us.

The Camp Site

There were 3 stages of music. The Tea Tent where oh yes we just had to sample a lovely cream tea while enjoying listening to the more relaxed style of music. We particularly enjoyed the Watoto Children's choir and Phillipa Hanna. There was the UCB stage which was a lot more cutting edge music. We did pass there a few times but it was not really our thing. The main stage was the biggest and the best for me. I was really looking forward to seeing the Newsboys, Chris Tomlin and Matt Redman and I was not disappointed. It was also good to hear bands I had not heard before like Rend Collective who I now really like. The worship was really energetic and just fantastic.

The Main Stage

As well as the music there was lots to do. We had a look in the Marketplace tent and at the Big Fete. We had a go on the Ferris Wheel which was good as you got a birds eye view over the whole site. There was so much to see it was impossible to do everything. 

 View from the Big Wheel

I had wondered what the food would be like particularly as my sister is a vegetarian but it was great. They have an area they call their Food Avenue with lots of different caterers from fish and chips, pizza, Mexican and pies in fact tried but we just did not get the chance to try everything!!! As it was also the Queens Jubilee weekend the Food Avenue was strung with bunting and they had Jubilee themed colouring in bits on the tables for the children. A brass band also entertained us at lunchtime which really added to the fun.

I have to admit I was a bit apprehensive about going somewhere like this with out any sighted assistance. I truly need not have worried we had an amazing weekend. Although there were just the two of us there was always someone to talk to even if it was in the queue for a coffee or on one of the long tables having something to eat. All the volunteers were so helpful so there was no stress for me at all one the odd occasion we needed help there was always someone there to ask. I think because everyone was there for the same reason, to have fellowship, worship and have a good time the atmosphere was so welcoming.

My sister has trouble with her hips and is not able to stand for long periods of time. So we were able to go up to the raised disabled viewing platform where she could sit. This was also great for me as I got as good a view of the main stage.

 On the Viewing Platform

To say the weather could have been better would be a bit of an understatement. On the Saturday evening it rained well quite a lot actually. But it did not detract from our enjoyment. In fact it was just amazing. 10,000 people singing and dancing in the pouring rain. The stage lights picking out the rain as it fell in what looked like a shower of gold. When the music ended on the Saturday with everyone at the main stage we all sang Amazing Grace it was so moving it's hard to put into words. The Holy Spirit was definitely present in that soggy field no one minded about the weather at all. At the end of the music on the Sunday night they set fire to a huge cross on the hillside above where the festival was taking place.

So are we going back this year. We certainly are and two of my friends from Church are coming along too. If like me you have always wondered what it would be like to go to a music festival or indeed a Christian festival then I really would recommend the Big Church Day Out as there is something for everyone.

Sisterly Love

Now I am not saying that I never liked my sister I just never felt I had much in common or a connection with her.  

When we were teenagers she was always the "good" one.  She always seemed to have lots of friends where I was a misfit.  She became a Christian and was Christened and Confirmed when she was 14.  At the time I had just started sixth form college and was still struggling with much emotional baggage from secondary school.  I was far from ready to accept Jesus into my like and I kind of always felt that my sister looked down on me.  

I had always thought I would be a career woman and she would get married and have lots of babies.  Well our lives have kind of gone in different directions.  I am now a mum with 2 boys.  I am a parent governor and teach Sunday school.  My sister is married too but with no plans to start a family.  She is a Licensed Conveyancer, an international Archer and about to begin training to become a Church of England vicar.  

Since I have been saved I feel our relationship has gotten so much closer.   Our shared faith has given us something in common that we have never had before.  

I feel so blessed that I am able to talk to my sister about questions I have about faith and religious issues.  The longest relationship we have in our lives is with our siblings and I am so pleased that I have gotten closer to my sister.  

We shared a brilliant weekend away just the two of us at the Big Church Day Out last year.  I will write more about that next time.  

Torch Trust / Insight Radio

I discovered Torch Trust while searching the web for a bible in a format I could read.  Large print books are usually very expensive to buy and some are not as large as you would like.  I had bought what said it was a large print study bible from a local Christian bookshop but gave it away in the end as is it was anything but large!!!

Anyway Torch Trust is an organisation that supports blind and partially sighted Christians in many ways.  They have a lending library of Christian books and resources in Braille, giant print and audio.  They have a production facility in Malawi and do other mission work in Africa.  There are so many different projects there are involved in too many to list.  However they also have fellowship groups that meet all over the country.  It was this aspect that I was most interested in and found the closest group was a good hour away by train.  I did go and visit this group once and was made very welcome but it really was a bit of a mission to travel that far.  

So I contacted Torch Trust and said I was interested in finding out more and maybe setting up a fellowship group where I live.  I don't believe in coincidence I think everything that happens is part of His plan and it so happened that there were a couple of people from another Church in my area who were also interested in setting up a group.  These people ran a lunch club for VI people but were interested in something with a more Christian basis.  

Torch helped us get in touch with each other and we met a few times to discuss what we could do and the Dover Torch Fellowship group was launched in March 2012.  We are still fairly small but steadily growing.  I feel I am really lucky that I go to a Church that is really supportive but not everyone is so lucky and attending a busy Church can be a pretty daunting and sometimes intimidating experience made worse if you have a sight problem.  

I was fortunate to have to opportunity to visit Torch House in Leicestershire and see for myself the work that they do there.  Their Braille book production room is very impressive and they have their own studios for recording audio books.  The main reason for my visit was to do an interview for their radio programme which is aired through the RNIB's Insight Radio and also on Premier Radio.  I had sent them a copy for the Borderlands of the Blind poem I had written and in the interview I talked about this and about my journey to become a Christian.  Like all interviews there was a lot more we said then could be fitted into the few minutes to be aired and I know there is more that I would like to have said but here it is you can Listen to my interview here.

If you are interested in the work that Torch Trust does you can find out more about them through their web site at torchtrust.org

Borderlands

One of the Facebook groups I belong to is for VI women from all over the world. We share a lot of common experiences as well as a laugh and a lot of fun. Although we have a whole spectrum of different eye conditions that affect us in different ways many of these ladies are in a similar position to me in that we are not properly blind but we have a severe enough sight loss that we can't drive or do many other things that fully sighted people take for granted. 

We talked about being in this middle ground not blind but not sighted. One of the ladies, Beth Omansky, has written a book about this called "Borderlands of Blindness" where she explores in depth many aspects of how people live in this no man's land between the blind and the sighted words. 

Inspired by this idea I wrote a poem about my own experience of life in this borderland. I am no poet and the style is maybe a bit cheesy but I wanted to try and show how I feel about how my sight affects my everyday life and how actually I could be a lot worse off and thanks to having God to lean on I get on with my life. 

A good friend with similar sight to me said that he considers himself to live in the borderland of the sighted.  We had a good laugh about how there are not so many good rhymes with "sighted" (or now I come to think about it maybe there are and I will have to have a go at writing a poem maybe "On the shore of the sighted" who knows!!!) but I do agree with him that I feel I relate more to the sighted world then to the blind world.  

I don't mean this to sound harsh but there can be a similar situation between blind and partially sighted people as there is with big D or little d people in the deaf community.  I have been a member of a group for blind mums where I was the most sighted of the group and just did not feel like I fitted in as most of their talk was about guide dogs and difficulties that I just can't relate to.  That's not their fault it is just the way it is.  That's why I describe this borderland where you don't quite fit into one or other category.  

OK well here goes here is my poem.  

Borderlands of the Blind

I am not blind but I'm not fully sighted,
I find it harder when the room is not lighted.
I can read when the typeface is clear,
But sometimes have to hold the book near.
It is hard to explain to people what they would find,
If they lived in the Borderlands of the Blind.

I don't use a cane or a guide or a dog,
My world does not look like a haze or a fog.
A tenth of normal they say I can see,
But that's just a number meaningless to me.
I just can't explain the world that I find,
Where I live in the Borderlands of the Blind.

I can't see well enough to drive,
But with God's help I will survive.
It might take me longer when I have to walk,
But when I need help I am able to talk.
Missed the bus today but I do not mind,
It's part of life in the Borderlands of the blind.

Finding a friend can be hard when I'm in a crowd,
And everyone around me is talking so loud.
I don't mean to be rude but I don't know your name,
So many people I know look to me just the same.
Just say who you are, it would be so kind,
To the friend in the Borderlands of the Blind

I am raising my children the best way I can,
Look after my house, take care of my man.
The washing, the ironing, the cleaning the cooking,
I missed a spot even though I was looking.
Things may not be perfect but they do not mind,
They know I live in the Borderlands of the Blind.

There are days when my life seems so tough,
Makes me wonder why God made things so rough.
But then I think of all the good things in my life,
When some in this world are surrounded by strife.
Compared to many my life's not such a bind,
Living in the Borderlands of the Blind.

My prayer is that others will come to understand,
That there are people like me all over this land.
Whose eyes don't work the same way as the others,
They are fathers and mothers, sisters and brothers.
But we are still people, We work and we play,
Just sometimes have to do things a different way.
God made me this way to help others to find,
Life is still worth living in the Borderlands of the Blind.

Social Networking

I have always been into technology from a young age playing on my ZX Spectrum and now I love using my Smartphone / laptop to keep in touch with the virtual world.  

At university I enjoyed an Email based Star Trek role play group.  I even got to meet a lot of the members in person as two of the group (one from Australia and one from the UK got married and I went to the wedding)  When the kids were little my husband and I used to have date nights in Second Life which is a simulated world where you can walk around go to parties well it's kind of limitless really.  Unfortunately I can't access Second Life now as it's too difficult to see.  

I love Facebook I am a self confessed Facebook addict and am just starting to get the hang of Twitter.  

Being in a regular social situation can be really difficult for me.  If it's noisy, dark or an unfamiliar place it's hard to find my way around and to have a conversation as I can't see people's mouths moving.  Also finding who you want to talk to in a busy group or with people who you don't know well is difficult.  If I meet a whole group of new people at one time it takes me a long time to work out who everyone is.  I don't like keep asking "Who are you?" when I don't know someone's name.  I think because I don't use a cane or a guide dog unless someone knows me well they don't necessarily realise how bad my sight is.  I don't mind this as it's my choice that this is the case but it makes social situations difficult sometimes.  I have lost count of the number of times I have had a conversation in the street with someone and not had a clue who they were.  

I don't have this problem on Facebook as I can see the name of the person I am talking to and it's not so immediate as a conversation on the street.  

The nature of sight problems are that they mainly affect elderly people so those of us who have been affected since birth are relatively few and far between.  With Facebook we are able to connect in a way not possible in the "real world" and I am a member of several groups for blind and partially sighted people from all over the world.  

I also run a group for families whose children have had Childhood Cataracts like me and my son.  Many of the families have never had any experience of children with sight problems and as it's a pretty rare condition you are unlikely to meet up easily with other people in the same boat.  So through Facebook and Email we are able to share stories and experiences and give each other support.  

I have also found it great to be able to share my faith through the Internet.  I love listening to UCB radio and can interact with the presenters through Facebook and Twitter.  I have found so many inspiring fellow Christians too from all around the world and also my Church has a Facebook page.  I use a bible App for my mobile and I can easily share the verse of the day or other favourite passages easily. I have also shared my testimony / baptism through the recording of it which I posted on YouTube which can be found at My Baptism

There are bad things about using social media. I have had my share of problems and know other people who have had some pretty horrible things said about them.  It's hard to know what to do and how to handle this kind of situation.  I have had several experiences where I have really had to pray and ask God for advice on how to handle the situation.  Sometimes you have to just let it go as the person who made the comment is not worried about what they have said so the only person that it is affecting is you.  Hurtful comments can eat away at you so letting it go is what you need to do for your own benefit.   In some circumstances it's better to not interact with a person who is persistently causing upset.  I have blocked a couple of people on Facebook but only as a last resort.  As well as being a tool for much good social media can cause a lot of pain too.  

On balance though the benefits completely outweigh the bad stuff for me.

A New Job Part 2

It really is a great environment to work in as all my colleagues are all Christians and there can not be many jobs out there where the boss says if it's quiet feel free to get your bible out and have a read.  We also have our TV channel on in the office and as I don't have Sky TV at home it is the first time I had really got to watch Christian based TV.  

Over the first few weeks in my new job I was learning how to use the computer system.  Unfortunately for me the software used to input donations over the phone is not compatible with Windows accessibility settings so I was not able to increase the size very much.  I am lucky that I have a nice large screen to use and by sitting close up to the screen I can read it fine for short periods of time.  I also had my first experience of praying with people over the phone.  It was quite difficult at first knowing what to say and I feel it was because I was over thinking it rather then allowing the Lord to help me but more on that in another post. 

The start of my second month in the job was my first Praise a Thon.  During this week our phone lines are open from 8am to 1am the next day as opposed to our usual 10am to 4pm.  We have lots of extra staff in the office and also there is lots of extra work available for us.  I put my name down to do a few extra hours and was really looking forward to the challenge.  I felt that I had now got the hang of the computer system and was ready to go.  

Well they say pride comes before a fall.  One evening when I went into work the bosses daughter called me aside and said that I had made a few mistakes the night before, nothing that could not be easily fixed but she said I needed to be aware of it and more careful.  I felt so bad I felt I had really let the team down and I felt that this stupid mistake would not have happened if I had been able to see properly and had not missed what was a really simple mistake. 

The next day after taking my son to school I came home and I just cried and cried.  I felt wretched and did not know whether I could go back to work that night.  I prayed about it and eventually realised that it really was a very small mistake and that I should not let it stop me from going back.  

I did go back that night and everything was fine.  No one said anything about what had happened and I realised that it was in the past and as long as I had learned from my mistake no one would say any more. 

On reflecting on this experience over a year later it's clear to me that I had had such a powerful experience at Church before I started the job that I knew this job was part of God's plan for my life and that I would grow and learn a lot from doing the job and from my work colleagues.  I feel that the Enemy played on my doubts in myself and in my abilities because of my disability.  Luckily for me I did go back as I would have missed out on so much if I had given up.  

A new Job

If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be working for a Christian media company I would have not believed it.  I really enjoy being a stay at home mum but I did miss being in an "adult" environment.  

I studied Law at university and worked in a Solicitors office as a Paralegal / Secretary.  I worked full time for nearly 5 years before going it alone and working self employed on a more flexible basis.  The part of my job I liked best was where I would attend Court when a Barrister was representing a client as a solicitors representative.  I would take the notes, explain what was going on to the client, look after witnesses that kind of thing.  It was sometimes difficult as I don't drive and used to travel all over Kent and into London but it was very interesting.  I worked mainly on cases involving children in care but also some criminal / matrimonial cases too.  I also used to do some office work for the last firm I worked for when they needed someone for holiday or sick cover. 

However this kind of work is not really compatible with a young family so I gave it up just before William was born.  

I did do a bit of work after that and for a while worked one day a week in an office but when Andrew came along I had all the stress of him going through surgery etc work was the furthest thing from my mind.  

A very good friend of mine told me that at the place she worked they were looking for someone to do one day a week from 10am to 4pm.  She said it was a hard position to fill as most people wanted more hours.  Well this suited me well.  William was at full time school and Andrew was at nursery from 9am to 4:30pm on the day they were offering so it worked out perfectly.  

I was so nervous when I went for the interview.  It's hard to explain but it is terrifying going into a new environment when you don't see well.  I remember in my first job I spent the whole day with my legs crossed as I was too nervous to ask where the toilet was.  I am confident in using a computer but have to sit close to the screen to see it clearly as my close up vision is not too bad but anything more then a few inches away starts to get more and more difficult.  

Well I did get the job this was at the end of September 2011.  

I was due to start on the Monday morning.  At Church on the Sunday before I went up for prayer as this was a big step for me starting work after a long break.  It was amazing I was really overcome with emotion and just cried and cried.  Not because I was sad but because I just felt so full with the Holy Spirit.  This was the first time I had experienced this being so full of the spirit that you feel you could burst with it.  It was a much more intense experience then what I had on the bench on the seafront.  I just knew that this job was where I needed to be and I could not wait to get started. 

First steps

One of the things I found really amazing on my road to becoming a Christian is that I had always thought that you had to know it all, know the Bible inside and out and be an expert on all things religious before you could be a member of a Church properly.  This to my delight I find is not true at all.  What is most important is a child like thirst for knowledge and understanding and an openness to experience what God has in store for you.  

I was so happy after my Baptism I felt I was now really part of a community.  I really felt I had put the bad experiences of my past behind me and was really looking forward to my future.  

Just a few short weeks later I was sorely tested.  I had my first ever ear infection.  It was an extremely painful experience (definitely worse then natural childbirth) until my ear drum burst but that was not the end of the saga. The infection spread to the nerves in one side of my face.  Drinking was a bit of a challenge as only half my moth worked and even now, 2 years later, I still have a bit more weakness in the affected eye (probably as that is my weaker eye due to a bad post operative infection I had as a child).

It was during this period when I was feeling a bit sorry for myself that I really began to appreciate the power of prayer.  To know that people in my Church and particularly the other members of the House group I attended fortnightly were praying for my recovery really gave me encouragement. 

I always felt that the early part of the year can be a bit depressing after the excitement of Christmas and then the dark evenings and damp and dreary weather but this season, like my medical problems, soon came to an end.  

As the days got warmer one of the things I really liked doing was going for a walk along the seafront.  With Dover castle and the famous white cliffs above and the sea spread out in front it really is lovely on a nice sunny day.  My oldest son was at nursery and the oldest at school so I got a few hours to myself every now and then.  

I remember one particular occasion when I was sitting in a favourite spot near the Docks watching the ferries come in and out.  I was so at peace with the world and so content.  I felt a sensation like a hand on my shoulder.  The best way I can describe it is a gentle and warm touch.  There was a wall behind me so I knew no one could be there but I still looked and of course no one was there.  

I had not yet experienced the Joy of Baptism in the Holy Spirit this was to come later but it is something I had discussed with people in my Church.  I felt a bit overwhelmed at the prospect and to be honest a bit frightened about what that would be like.  I now think that maybe this sensation was a gentle introduction to the greater and more wonderful experiences to come.