Nothing wasted

I have been thinking about our childhood memories recently after a discussion in a Facebook group about our teens and whether we remember them fondly or not. 

I was a very angry mixed up kind of teenager and although there are a few bright moments my memories from that time are pretty dark.  I remember at age 11 spending all my lunchtimes talking to the headmaster on the playing field as I had no one else to talk to.  I remember on my last day of middle school having everyone laugh at me because I had to use cream for my acne and it make my skin dry and flaky the kids spent the whole day keep asking me if I had Weetabix cereal stuck to my face. 

I remember the girls at hight school all telling everyone not to talk to me saying that I was a lesbian and I remember I felt so lonely at times and I used to have really bad nightmares.  I don't remember that I asked my mum whether she thought I really was a lesbian though and don't really remember any of the medical stuff like hospital treatment and having braces on my teeth. 

I remember my first day in my first proper job.  I was supposed to have an interview that afternoon but they called me and asked if I would go in that morning and try out the job as one of the ladies was on a course that day.  I am not sure what I did that day apart from a lot of photocopying but I do remember being too nervous to ask where the toilet was. 

The thing I have learned about memories though is that we can get stuck in them.  We can not trust anyone because of things that have happened in the past and we can try and be someone we think we should be rather then who we really are.  I like the film Vanilla Sky and there is a saying in there about not being able to appreciate the sweet unless we have experienced the sour.  I think that is true.

Now I am in my 30's I love my life so much.  I love my husband, my children, my family and the friends I never had as a teenager.  I love being an active member of my Church and although teaching Sunday School is not something I find easy I think I learn as much from it as the children (hopefully) do.  More importantly I feel I appreciate the people in my life and cherish them even more because they are so valuable to me and I can use the memories of the bad times to really show the difference between my life now and then. 

I love my job, particularly being able to pray with people who are going through tough times and although I can't directly relate to a lot of their problems I hope I have learned to be a good listener and as for the prayers well I have God to rely on for help with that. 

So what I am trying to say is that I feel that no experience we have is wasted.  Part of my growing in faith has been to let go of the bad experiences in my past.  They are not forgotten but they are no longer affecting my life in a negative way.  God can use those experiences to teach me and to make me a better person.

If I could go back in time what would I say to my 13 year old self?  I asked myself this question the other day and it was tough.  At first I thought I would tell her not to worry and that things would be better in the future.  I thought I would tell her that she will come to know God and how that will impact on her life in ways she never could have dreamed of.  I thought about telling her that she will be a wife and mother some day.  The trouble is that I don't think I would have believed myself.  I certainly did not believe my own mother when she said things would get better.  So I had to conclude that I could not and should not change anything in my past as it's all part of the person I am today.  All the good bits and all the bad bits in equal measure with no experience wasted.